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Foreigner: The very best of and beyond

05/01/11 || Daemonomania

You know who fucken sucks? Boston, that’s who. Talk about wimpy soulless corporate pudgy white people “rock and roll”. The fact that these second tier named after a dumb city fuckbags made it into the Class 6(66) section of our glorious website speaks volumes about IG’s poor, poor taste in music. At one point I remember him telling me that if he ever got insanely rich, he’d eat in chain restaurants like Applebees all the time instead of trying the five star meals this world has to offer. I think that’s a pretty accurate example of his hunger for blandness. Boston is a synonym for bland. Look it up. Can’t find it in a thesaurus? Maybe that’s because Boston took a few dollars from one kachillion albums sold to the turkey-necked Firebird-driving 70’s youth of America and used it for CENSORSHIP! Fuck Boston. Fuck them.

To illustrate the senior center level of pants pudding anal encrustation that is the Bostonians, I’m writing a review for an equally awful but far more catchy bunch of chart humpers known as Foreigner. They may be horrendous, but they are leagues better than IG’s soundtrack to a She-Grimace creasebang session. So if you’ve ever listened to the radio at any point in your life you’ve definitely heard at least one of these hitz. If you haven’t, Forearmpenis can best be described as a mix between Paul McCartney’s ear-raping solo career and Journey. Unless you’re listening to “Urgent”, which features the boundless talent of Thomas Dolby. Then they sound like a mix of the song “She blinded me with science” and crap. So crap and crap, basically. And then there’s the goddamn gospel choir shoehorned into “I want to know what love is”. Nothing more embarrassing than a sour cream ‘n mayo honkey hiring some churchgoers to make it sound like he’s got soul. Yet better then anything ever done by any of them fucks in Boston. Fuck them.

Despite their shittiness, most songs on this comp are catchier than love handles at a modern-day (you fucken guessed it) Boston concert. Tracks 3-11 are the stuff that bandmembers’ estates in the countryside and children fed exclusively on foie gras are made of. Just reading “Cold as ice” or “Double vision” should call forth the hooks in all their limp dicked AOR glory. When searching for the perfect soft music to check your stocks, or the right synth-ridden audio-fart to convince your blubbery suburban spouse to shed her sweatpants – come on down to Foreignertown USA. Hell, there’s a story in the liner notes about how Johnny Rotten himself got completely addicted to “Hot blooded”, if you want to be in such esteemed company while slurping up your yacht rock. One thing is completely and absolutely for sure – Fourignore destroy Boston’s flaccid excuse for and/or roll on every level. Fuhuuuuck them. Fuck Boston.

5,5

And for Boston…

Information
Released: 1993
Label: Atlantic
Band
Like A Million Dudes: sucking ass, being catchy, and getting paid

Tracklist
01. Hole Doctor
02. Prisoner of Cheese
03. With Heaving Vomit on our Side
04. Puke Box Zero
05. Twat Blooded
06. Cold as Ice (not gonna make fun of this one, it actually is pretty dope)
07. Giving Head Games
08. Waiting for a Tranny Like You
09. Urgent (Need to Use the Restroom)
10. Dribble Vision
11. I Don’t Want to Know What Boston Is
12. Say You Will (Puncture Your Eardrums)
13. That Was Yesterday, or was it never, When Boston Was Good?
14. I Don’t Want to Live Without Dudes
15. Rev on the Red Line (eh?)
16. Dirty White Boys Enjoy Anal To the Sweet sounds of fucken Boston
17. Feels Like the First Time I realized Boston sucks

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